"War without end..."

First off let me once again preface this by saying, what I'm going to describe is MY personal experiences and not the experiences of everyone. Everyone is different.

With that said, let me continue:

Ever have one of those days? If you're a combat vet you know what I'm talking about the days when it seems the war keeps playing over and over in your head and those moments when you think to yourself, 'Is that really all I'm qualified for anymore?' I'm sure not everyone has felt this way and the longer your home the easier each day gets, but it still haunts you. It never goes away. No amount of praying, counseling or anything else is going to take away those horrible memories.
I'm having one of those days. One of those days where I sit down and look at my skill set and feel as though the thing I'm most qualified to do... isn't healthy, isn't legal, and is shunned upon by those who don't understand. No one ever wants to se combat, anyone who says he does is either a liar, a fake, and either way never has actually experienced it. For those who have it's something that we wish we could take away, something we wish we could go back and take the pain away. Please understand that I don't regret my service for a moment or my deployment, but the scars that are left are something I wish I could take away.

And then there are the thunderstorms, and the fireworks and anything else that might trigger your startle response. It's awful, especially when people look at you like you're crazy because you're hiding under a desk during a fireworks "celebration." It's one of the most horrible things about Memorial Day and the Fourth of July, the people that should be enjoying the fireworks the most are the ones who can't handle them.

I've gotten to where I can deal with thunderstorms, I even enjoy them again. Fireworks I'm still kind of shaky on. I think one of the things that's helped me has been reenacting, particularly our cannon. It's gotten me used to those loud noises again. I realize that it's a minority of people who do this, but it's been such a blessing to me!

I don't have any words of encouragement or hope today. I only have this lingering problem of feeling that what I did when I was overseas is all I'm good for. I know it's not true but it's one of those things that comes and goes in phases. Today's just one of those days. It would be so easy to go back to doing what I did there. It became so normal that it would be like returning to a bad habit or something. I don't know how to explain it better than that. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to comment below.

"People Like Us..."

Whether Kelly Clarkson intended for this song to speak to those of us with Post Traumatic or not, the lyrics for this song seem perfect for it. Like with all songs, there are instances where the lyrics don't quite fit, but taken as a whole it really works. What I want to do with this is break it down and highlight several of the phrases that REALLY work for those of us suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The first lines, which are spoken go as such:
"We come into this world unknown...

But know that we are not alone..."

It continues but these two lines are perhaps the most important part of this. Coming into this new world of "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" is something that is done quietly. Many people don't even know or are willing to admit that they have it. I was just like that. I struggled with the idea that I have Post Traumatic for several years after I returned home from Iraq and it hadn't even occurred to me that I had it from my childhood experiences.

The other piece of this phrase that should be taken note of is the second line. So many of us know what it feels like to be alone. We can feel alone in a crowded room because no one will understand. Even others with PTSD will never understand what another person with PTSD is experiencing because no two cases of PTSD are the same. However, we aren't alone. There's help, there are other people who are going through similar struggles as us. There is help out there, there are people who are willing to listen, and to help. 

Now onto the next section of the song:

"Hey… everybody loses it,
Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes"

I think this is a very important section of the song because this is something that I've been struggling with quite a bit lately. That's not to say I'm suicidal. No one freak out. However depression is something that plagues victims of PTSD. More than that, look at the first part of this phrase. It could mean one of two things, or both. It could mean depression but it could also mean losing it in terms of anger. People with PTSD tend to have anger issues. This could go either way and the interpretation could go either way depending on which fits for you. Or both could fit for you! Both fit for me.

I tend to have a very short fuse and a very explosive temper, and when I "loose it" I tend to yell, shout, throw things, ext. It could cause a lot of problems when it comes to relationships, employment and other aspects of one's life, and thus enter the second part of this phrase. 

 The upside to this comes later in this verse:

"Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive"

This part is very important and something to remember. I'll be the first to admit that this is difficult, that there are days that it doesn't seem like there is an option but to blow up, or to just fall into a well of depression. Remember that there are ways out. You have the power to stand up seek help. For a more immediate response, count to 10, go for a walk, or go to the gym if you feel like you're going to blow up in anger.

If you're feeling yourself slipping into depression, try and remember that it wasn't always like this and it doesn't have to be. You're not alone! That's the huge thing! You're not alone and there is help out there.

Now for the lead in for the chorus that appears again and again in the song and I think that it is a huge part of PTSD relating to this song.

"People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom."

Let's look at this as a whole. We, the victims of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, have to stick together because no one understands this like we do. We have to be the best resource for each other and the best support system for one another. As a victim of this, there are ways out of it, there are ways to make life more bearable. PTSD never goes away completely, there is now "Cure" but there are ways to make it manageable and live a much happier life. We are the Damned, and in most cases we are the lost and forgotten. So many people consider those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder weak, or people who are looking for attention, or those who are suffering (and this is perhaps the worst insult that can be offered to a PTSD victim and that is that they are "Making it up" and that "it can't really be all that bad." This an awful re-victimization of those who suffer from PTSD because eventually after hearing this over and over again the victims actually start to believe it and start devaluing their own experiences and then because they feel devalued or shunned, they turn to self harm and when this gets bad enough it can lead to suicide.

I'm citing myself as the progression here. The only stage I haven't hit is suicide. To me, being told that you're "Making it up", "it can't be that bad," and then the two worst ones, "You should be over it." and "It was your fault." I've heard it all and each one stings and makes me feel like my trauma and my problems aren't important and because of that I'm not important.

The last part of this chorus is something everyone with PTSD can connect with. It feels like there's no way out of this. Don't believe it. There is a way out of this, there is a way to stand back up and feel the pride and wholeness that we once felt. There is a way to manage this. 

Onto the next part of the song.

"They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me
This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed
So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare
Tonight we're gonna change forever"

This is the last chunk of this song I want to analyze. I feel a strong connection to this section as well. The first part is something that really strikes me because honestly, those of us fighting with PTSD, many times we feel that nothing anyone can do is worse than what we already have to fight with. This is our life. For those of us who have served in the military and have combat related PTSD we did choose this. We volunteered to go, we did what we had to do and we came home and unfortunately the battle is never completely won.

The next piece about throwing your fists in the air, I look at this as a call to action. Challenging those who suffer with PTSD to come forward and seek help, come forward and provide help to others. Realize that you are not alone. If the PTSD community comes forward and makes a case for this illness, then pehraps people will stop seeing it as a sign of weakness and stop seeing it as something that we are just "Making up." 

This is just my interpretation of this song. You don't have to agree, you don't even have to like the song. In keeping with the theme of this blog, please take it as my personal opinion and if it helps you or touches you or speaks to you, AWESOME. If not, take it for what it is and find your own outlet. Remember there's help out there and there's hope to get better!

An Introduction to my PTSD

The first thing I'll do is tell you what this is not. This is NOT a blog with the purpose of getting attention for myself, or bragging, or anything of the sort. This is simply my story, poured out on paper in the hopes that someone might read it and realize that they are not alone. In an ideal world it might even help someone, but I make no promises for that, all I'm trying to do is explain how I am attempting to gain control of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and perhaps offer examples of how others might do it.

I'll be posting a variety of things on here, not just written exercises or "journal" entries but also "memes" that trike me, videos, music, even quotes. Each will come with an explanation as to why it's important, and why it struck me as important. It might not mean anything to you, it might not seem to speak to you at all, but it does to me and thus why I have posted it.

It is also important to note that while the title of my blog might lead you to believe that my PTSD is all related to my service in the military, that is sadly not the case. My PTSD dates back to my early childhood which is why it is such a difficult thing to get through and get past. Hopefully my posts will explain that and demonstrate that.
Feedback is welcome as long as it is encouraging and/or constructive criticism. If you have suggestions, or things that work for you, feel free to explain that! I'm completely open to suggestions. This is just my way of doing things. Perhaps I'll try your suggestion and feature it on here!
With that said, Enjoy!