"War without end..."

First off let me once again preface this by saying, what I'm going to describe is MY personal experiences and not the experiences of everyone. Everyone is different.

With that said, let me continue:

Ever have one of those days? If you're a combat vet you know what I'm talking about the days when it seems the war keeps playing over and over in your head and those moments when you think to yourself, 'Is that really all I'm qualified for anymore?' I'm sure not everyone has felt this way and the longer your home the easier each day gets, but it still haunts you. It never goes away. No amount of praying, counseling or anything else is going to take away those horrible memories.
I'm having one of those days. One of those days where I sit down and look at my skill set and feel as though the thing I'm most qualified to do... isn't healthy, isn't legal, and is shunned upon by those who don't understand. No one ever wants to se combat, anyone who says he does is either a liar, a fake, and either way never has actually experienced it. For those who have it's something that we wish we could take away, something we wish we could go back and take the pain away. Please understand that I don't regret my service for a moment or my deployment, but the scars that are left are something I wish I could take away.

And then there are the thunderstorms, and the fireworks and anything else that might trigger your startle response. It's awful, especially when people look at you like you're crazy because you're hiding under a desk during a fireworks "celebration." It's one of the most horrible things about Memorial Day and the Fourth of July, the people that should be enjoying the fireworks the most are the ones who can't handle them.

I've gotten to where I can deal with thunderstorms, I even enjoy them again. Fireworks I'm still kind of shaky on. I think one of the things that's helped me has been reenacting, particularly our cannon. It's gotten me used to those loud noises again. I realize that it's a minority of people who do this, but it's been such a blessing to me!

I don't have any words of encouragement or hope today. I only have this lingering problem of feeling that what I did when I was overseas is all I'm good for. I know it's not true but it's one of those things that comes and goes in phases. Today's just one of those days. It would be so easy to go back to doing what I did there. It became so normal that it would be like returning to a bad habit or something. I don't know how to explain it better than that. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to comment below.